LENEA AND CRETE -12-

XII

I go to bed with a slight discomfort in my heart regarding Lenea. We couldn’t do anything for her today, but I still hope to be able to connect with her tomorrow. Tomorrow is our teaching day. Peter and I will be co-instructing at a symposium to trigger interest on systems building to respond to child abuse and neglect in a rehabilitative manner and with an interagency/interdisciplinary collaborative approach. This is so important for both Peter and I. Peter belongs to these lands, period. He will be thrilled to make a difference if he can. As for me, I feel a similar connection, the reasons for which will take more than this one week of visit to Crete to unfold. As a result of this strong perceived connection, I will declare to the audience tomorrow “I have a feeling I am a daughter of your land although I spent only a week here but more than five decades on other lands.” I will be pleasantly surprised with my ease of uttering these words and how natural it will feel at the spur of the moment. I fall asleep thinking of Lenea and wake up thinking of her in the morning. I must ask Sofia this afternoon after the symposium about calling Lenea.  I am sure she will be understanding and responsive.

Peter during his presentation

The training is over. All went well. We connected with our audience perfectly well. After all is said and done, I think back one more time how it all started. I am at the podium after a sweet introduction my, now, dear friend Sofia did. My anxiety about how the audience would accept me disappears as soon as I declare I feel like a daughter of this land. I show them on the map the migration of my Cretan grandparents to two different locations on the Aegean coast in Turkey at the turn of the 20^th century, 1913 to be exact. I manage to summarize all this in Greek, rather, Cretan, too. I can tell from the expressions on people’s faces, the way their faces light up, and the numerous nods, they all know what I am talking about. Discussions are vivid, everybody understands what strengths they have, what improvements they would like to see happen in their child protection related work. Sofia is happy with the outcome, so are we, Peter and I. It is about time to go to dinner. Sofia is gathering all the presenters, Peter and I, Peter’s family, the guest speakers from Athens to go to Stefano’s place. I am delighted, I will savor one more time his unique and exceptional horta and I know the discussions and cross-learning will continue throughout the dinner, and that is exactly what happens.

Stefano, standing at the head of the table attending to his guests

The dinner goes very well. I love spending time with Peter’s family, especially his children, 3 and 5 year-old lovely boys. So well raised, lively, playful, social, but also extremely well-behaved. They are poster kids for how well gay parents can raise their children. Again they become the mascots of our group. Stefano pays special attention to their needs, how sweet. There is more political discussions around the table, more than the professional one I was expecting. Everybody is worried about Greece’s economic future due to the crisis in euro zone. More informative discussions will take place however, the day after on thanksgiving day at Sofia and Michail’s summer/weekend home in a village close to Rethymnon. They will tell us how the EU killed Geece’s productivity by subsidizing farmers to NOT produce so that the big bankers in Berlin, Paris, London could keep prices under their control to make the highest profits. Eventually, they believe, Greeks became non-productive, relying on credit cards, drowning in personal debts just like the country is in national debt.

How sad, I feel like I’ve seen this movie before. I remember our visit to Ireland at the beginning of 2002. Bill, my partner was writing his book “Ireland Now” focusing on how globalization has been effecting Ireland both economically and culturally. I had heard of the same subsidies story there for the first time, which was crumbling Irish farming to nothing. Family farms were being decimated to nothing when big farming corporates were emerging. And of course, Bill’s deep interest on how Irish culture was changing under global invasion of the country through both economic assault and touristic one was the highlight of our trip. How much I learned from you Bill, for 8 wonderful years. I can’t help slipping back to the grief that I am trying to keep under control at least until I leave Crete, until I am done with my professional responsibilities. It is getting more and more difficult each day. The nights are difficult. I know the days will become more difficult, too, until I find more peace over time. For the time being, I still need to gently push aside my thoughts and feelings about Bill and be part of the audience to make this entire effort a big success for Sofia.

At the end of the dinner, Peter invites me to spend the next day with his family to visit his 300 hundred year-old Venetian house and travel south with them to the Libyan Sea. I accept delightedly. Being with kids is always so rewarding. Their innocence is balm to any ache. I know, I will spend a wonderful day full of warmth and love. I need human contact as much as possible at this point. I know I will have a lot of time to be all by myself to face what is lost and to grieve as much as I need to.  The thanksgiving dinner we will have at Michail and Sofia’s weekend house, in the evening will be another bonus. And I am looking forward to meeting Michail, finally, the man who kept Sofia’s attention on himself for several decades now, must be a unique person, too.

I plan to take one of the citrus bags Lenea gave me to take to her daughter to Peter’s kids and the other to Sofia’s house. I also promise Sofia, I will buy horta at the farmer’s market and fix it the way Stefano served us at her house. I will sort the horta (bad from good) during our car ride throughout the day. So natural for Cretans, although foreign to an American woman, even for a native Turkish woman. Peter will appreciate it and Raynard will understand and smile with affection. Some kind of an ache is still in my chest, though. I was supposed to take the citrus to Lenea’s daughter. I must talk to Sofia about calling Lenea. And I do, just before departing. Sofia promises me she will call Lenea first thing in the morning now that the symposium is over. My heart is much lighter now. I can sleep more comfortably, if I can.

I will try, after talking to Bill for a long time. I will continue asking myself the “what if?”s as I have been doing for a full week now, with no clear answers. Could I have done anything differently to change the trajectory of his life, of our friendship? What could I have done? My mind is so full and so empty at the same time. When it comes to questions millions are dancing in a heart beat. When it comes to answers, none moves a finger. I know I will fall asleep with tears one more night, which is totally OK. I submit myself to pain at this point knowing that there is no way around it. The pain eventually will bring the peace I need. Bill will be more of a part of me then. Till then, I have to be patient with myself.